Countdown to Life
Samantha lay in bed, letting the morning London sun wash over her whilst she waited in anticipation. She’d set a special alarm for today, a countdown; and it was due to go off any minute now. She turned her head and marvelled at the pictures she’d tacked to her wall; images of faraway beaches, of big banquet meals, of women with long hair in elegant styles; and most importantly, images of her friends together, laughing and being normal teenagers. Samantha’s heart fluttered as she turned to look at her bedside table where her phone resided. Her countdown would go off very soon, indicating a new chapter in her life.
Samantha was only 12 when she’d received her diagnosis. Her parents had to pull her out of school and spend all their time, energy and money on treatment. Chemo was not cheap, nor was it easy for anyone involved. Hodgkin’s Lymphoma: Samantha had no idea what that was at the time. Being only 12, she was more concerned about what stickers to put on her brand-new bike, or what game to request next on her Nintendo switch. She had no idea that her life was about to be thrust into utter turmoil, and the strength she would need to carry herself through.
The next few years of Samantha’s life were filled with near constant chemo-therapy cycles, each one seeming less effective than the last. She’d been in a kind of stasis, where she wasn’t getting worse, but she wasn’t necessarily getting better either. But finally, last year, something had changed. She was a few sessions into her most recent cycle when her oncologist walked in agape.
“Samantha! I have some amazing news!” Doctor Shen could barely contain her excitement.
Samantha and her parents looked expectantly at Doctor Shen, waiting for the news and trying not to get too hopeful. They’d learned over the years that hope could be devastating.
“It’s shrunk! It’s shrinking! Something has finally changed Sammy, you’re going to be ok.” Normally Doctor Shen would’ve been embarrassed by her lack of professionalism, but she’d spent a lot of time with this family and knew how frustrated they were.
Samantha’s Mum was the first to start crying. Helen embraced Samantha and cried gently into her shoulder. For the first time in 4 years, they were happy tears. Samantha’s Dad Paul embraced both and shed his own tears of joy. Samantha was too shocked to feel anything at first. This had been her life for 4 years. She’d spent 3 birthdays in hospital beds, or at home feeling too nauseous to move. She’d grown accustomed to her thin, barely-there hair, and how weak her body had become. She’d almost resigned herself to death, knowing the pain she was causing her family even if by no fault of her own. After a moment, it dawned on Samantha that she might have a shot at a normal life after all. Suddenly the weight of this realisation hit her and she started sobbing uncontrollably.
Once the family had let out their unabashed joy, Doctor Shen sat down and suggested what the plan should be going forward. Samantha was to continue chemotherapy for another 6 months. If by the 4th month her lymphoma had shrunk even more drastically, Doctor Shen was happy to put an end date on Samantha’s chemotherapy.
“I understand that you want this to be over, and it has been such a difficult journey. But you can make it past this last hurdle, I know you can.”
That day, the family drove home and had dinner together as was their habit. Samantha didn’t eat much, but she felt energised after today’s news.
“Sammy, what are you going to do once chemo is over?” Helen asked with a broad grin on her face.
“Oh gosh… I dunno” Samantha replied, bewildered.
The last few years hadn’t been about what she wanted to do or setting goals. It had been about surviving, functioning, making it to the next chemo session. Even her parents hadn’t really been able to set their own goals because they were so focused on providing support for their only daughter.
“We’re getting a pet dog!” Samantha beamed after a short pause.
The three of them all laughed, they’d all wanted a dog for a long time but it seemed like another challenge they didn’t have the energy for whilst Samantha was in treatment.
“What kind of dog darling?” Paul asked.
“Hmmm something friendly, that I can take for big walks” Samantha’s eyes twinkled.
Helen and Paul exchanged a glance that was simultaneously filled with pure joy but underpinned with a deep sorrow. They had wanted nothing more than for their daughter to have a normal life. It was soul-destroying to watch their little girl grow up without the usual experiences a kid has. Obviously, she still had friends, and she still went to the odd party. But she couldn’t go to school every day like other kids, she couldn’t play sports or walk a dog.
“Well you should start researching now honey, so that when we’re ready to bring a dog home we know exactly what to get!” Paul suggested.
“What else do you want?” Helen asked again.
Samantha thought again. There were only a few things she really felt she’d missed out on in life so far. She wanted a dog, she wanted to have long hair that she could style like a princess, she wanted to travel, and she wanted to feel well enough to eat lots of yummy, sweet food!
“I think once my hair grows back we should have a party, so I can get it styled. Ooh with little diamonds and flowers! And I’ll wear high heels for the first time!” Samantha chucked as she declared her goals, knowing her parents would find them silly but support her anyway.
“You want to look like a princess?” Helen nudged Samantha’s shoulder.
“Don’t be silly Helen, she’s always been a princess!” Paul announced.
“No it’s not the same! I want to be like Rapunzel, but modern, I guess. Hot Rapunzel!”
There was no escaping the fact that Samantha was now 16 and had not really had a chance to explore romance yet. The few friends she had were starting to date, and though she wasn’t attracted to anyone she felt a pang of jealousy every time they told her about their experiences.
In some ways Samantha still seemed like a child to Paul and Helen, wanting a dog so badly, wanting to dress up like Rapunzel. These were youthful notions in the grand scheme of things; but Samantha had been cooped up in hospital or at home for some of the most important, formative years of her life. It stood to reason that she had a little catching up to do!
“Hot Rapunzel oh lord” Paul shook his head.
“Ok, dog and hot Rapunzel, what else? Do you want to go on a holiday somewhere?” Helen made mental notes of Samantha’s goals.
Samantha thought again, “What about Hawaii? Or Fiji? I want to go somewhere warm, where I can lay on the beach and swim like a mermaid”.
“Ooh I’d love Fiji! Or Hawaii, they’re both gorgeous” gasped Helen, revelling in the idea of being able to truly relax for the first time in years.
Paul nodded firmly “yes definitely, any excuse to wear a loud Hawaiian shirt!”.
“Daaaaaaaad no! Dress normally please” Samantha moaned, though she did enjoy the idea of them wearing matching Hawaiian shirts wandering around like proper tourists.
“Ooh and while we’re there we’ll get all the tasty food; we’ll have a banquet in our hotel room!” Samantha gleefully suggested.
The whole family was in agreement than Samantha’s goals were excellent and certainly achievable. Helen suggested that Samantha print out some pictures to help her really visualise her future. Despite their joy, they all knew that 6 more months of chemo wouldn’t be easy.
- - -
Doctor Shen walked into the room and sat down with Helen, Paul and Samantha. She sifted through some paperwork and smiled.
“As you’re aware, we’ve hit our 4-month mark and it’s time to reassess how this bout of therapy is going”.
The family all felt their stomachs tense with anticipation.
“It is my professional opinion that we can end your chemotherapy in two months’ time, which I believe is around your birthday isn’t it Sammy?”
Audibly delighted, the family embraced each other, and eventually Doctor Shen.
“I will book your final session for the 10th of May which I believe is 4 days before your 17th birthday, so Happy Birthday my darling!” Doctor Shen was so proud of Samantha for being so strong all these years, and proud of her parents for being there with her no matter what.
“We can plan a big party for you! And it’s good you have a few days between, you’ll feel better for your birthday!” Helen exclaimed.
“Oh yes! We’ll invite EVERYONE and have lots of food! My birthday present can be a puppy!” Samantha was glowing.
Paul, Helen and Doctor Shen all laughed, and agreed that this was an excellent plan.
The moment Samantha got home, she set a countdown on her phone. A countdown to her final chemotherapy session, and to the next stage in her life.
- - -
A loud alarm tone pulled Samantha out of her reverie. Today was the day. She stopped the countdown and closed her eyes.
“This is it Samantha, time to start living”.