Holly, Holly. How Does Your Heart Heal?

All Holly had ever wanted was a simple, unassuming life. To have a job, live in the city and be independent. Go out with friends, maybe a date if anyone was interested or interesting.

She could hear Emma in the kitchen, sprouting off expletives between pots banging and cutlery being dropped in the sink. Keeping her eyes half-closed to stop her from fully waking up, she checked the alarm clock on her bedside table. Nearly 7am.

‘Oh, just give me a break will ya,’ Emma cried.

Holly took in a deep breath and opened her eyes. She heard the radio and television. Why did Emma need both on? They needed to be mindful of the electricity bill. Last month they’d forgotten to pay it on time, and it had stung them with a higher payment.

Holly sighed. She needed to stop hiding away and get out of bed. To get back to life. She wished she could stay in bed forever.

‘You don’t want to turn out like Miss Havisham,’ Nan had said a few nights ago.

‘Who? One of your friends?’ Holly asked.

‘From Great Expectations. Charles Dickens. She gets jilted at the altar and spends her life locked inside her mansion.’

‘Nan, this isn’t the same thing.’

‘Of course not. I didn’t mean to sound insensitive. It’s awful what happened to those two little ones. I just meant—’

‘It’s okay. It’s just …’ the memory crept back in and tugged at Holly’s tears. She gulped down hard and suppressed them and focused on containing the wobble in her voice. ‘Nan, I need to go. Can I call you later?’

‘Are you okay?’

Holly heard the concern in Nan’s voice and softened. She knew Nan worried about her.

‘Yep,’ she forced a smile. ‘Gotta go. Sorry Nan.’ She turned her phone on silent, crawled back into bed and let herself cry until she drifted off to sleep.

Holly hardly left the apartment since the tragic accident. It was all over the news. On TV, the radio and social media feed. Some people were kind. While others were angry and so awful. The trolls were out in full force. They didn’t need to work hard to hate, Holly was already doing an excellent job at hating herself.

It happened so fast. Holly had been down at the corner shop getting some milk. One thing a childcare centre needed was coffee and tea—plenty of it. Looking after toddlers and pre-schoolers, although satisfying, had its challenging moments. The children were always consuming endless energy and curiosity. Most days, strong coffee or calming tea was godsent.

She’d lingered on to talk to Arthur, who owned the corner shop. When she’d turned the corner, rotating blue and red lights filled the street. The shock slammed into her when she saw Daisy and Astrid’s bodies lying lifeless on the nature strip. The horror gripped Holly as the paramedics worked on both of them. Their nanny, crying hysterically to save them.

Meredith, the centre’s director, had called Holly to check in on her and tell her that the funeral was on Wednesday. ‘I know that Mr and Mrs Curtis are hoping you’d be there. They know how much Daisy and Astrid loved you.’

‘I adored them too, but I don’t think I can go. I just can’t stop blaming myself.’

‘Why? You weren’t driving the car that hit them.’

‘If I hadn’t stopped to talk to Arthur, I would’ve been there when they left for the day. I could’ve been an extra pair of eyes. I could’ve saved them. But I wasn’t, and I didn’t.’ Holly wiped her face with her pyjama sleeve, sniffing at her runny nose.

‘Holly, it wasn’t your fault.’

‘But it was.’ She could hear the resentment in her voice. ‘I stayed longer to have a chat. I took up Arthur’s offer for a free latte. Those two beautiful little girls died because I wanted a coffee and a break.’

‘No, Holly. It was not your fault,’ she heard the reassurance in Meredith’s voice. ‘Saying goodbye to those wonderful little girls will help bring you closure.’

They both fell silent.

‘Bring someone to support you,’ Meredith said.

Holly knew that Meredith was right. She needed to move on. To have closure. ‘Okay,’ she whispered. ‘I’ll ask Emma or Nan.’

Emma opened her bedroom door and peeked in. ‘Hi.’

Holly sat up.

‘How are you feeling?’

‘Sad. Guilty. Tired. I dunno… numb.’

 ‘I’ve made some breakfast.’

‘I heard.’ Holly smiled.

Emma sat on the bed. ‘Is that… oh my God… did I… just make you smile?’

Holly nudged Emma’s shoulder. ‘I’d love some breakfast.’

Emma’s French toast had been delicious, even with one side a little burnt. She’d gone all out—plumb strawberries and thickened cream she’d picked up at the farmer’s market.

‘What are you going to do?’ Emma said.

Holly shrugged. ‘I don’t know how I’m going to see those little coffins. I don’t even know if I want to go back to work. Seeing all those faces. Knowing that Astrid and Daisy will never go to school, graduate, fall in love… you know… all of it.’

‘Life’s a bitch. But you can’t let it control you.’ Emma got up and cleared the dishes. ‘Hols, I know what happened is just awful. Death is hard—and when it happens suddenly—it’s worse. It’s just so sad. Their lives cut short like that. So tragic. But you need to keep moving forward. Otherwise, what’s the point?’

‘When did you become so philosophical?’

‘When I started cooking,’ Emma grinned.

Holly hugged her. ‘Thank you. Would you like me to help you wash up?’

‘Yep. I’ll wash, you wipe.’

‘Well…’ Holly flicked Emma with the tea towel. ‘Looks like your bossy now too.’

Holly braided her wet hair and put on a loose cotton dress after her shower, then sprayed some perfume. The kids always said they liked the way she smelt. ‘You smell like a lolly shop,’ Astrid told her once. She loved listening to their innocent banter, making comments on their world with such innocence and naivety. She believed children were born poets and artists until the conformity of life ripped it out of them.

Holly decided it was time to get herself back into life—to go back to work. Getting out of bed and showering, a good start, until she’d gone down to check the mail. She felt anyone who looked at her was doing so with judgment. Standing outside the letterboxes, Holly felt the world tilt like she was on a boat as it pitched and swayed, making her feel nauseous. When she’d return to the apartment, she’d thrown up. 

The doorbell woke her. She’d fallen asleep binging on Netflix.

‘Emma?’ Nothing. Still out, she thought.

Holly looked through the peephole.

‘Nan!’ She opened the door. Nan stood smiling, balancing a box filled with potted plants. A second box, filled with flowering plants, sat amongst several pots in various primary colours.

‘What are you up to?’

‘When Pop died, it devastated me. I didn’t know what to do, so I started looking after his beloved garden. It was the best decision I made. Not only did it make me feel better—and I had a purpose—I didn’t feel so alone. Every plant in my… our… garden makes me feel closer to Pop. It keeps his memory alive.’

‘But Nan, I live in an apartment.’

‘But you have a balcony,’ she winked. ‘Connor, bring the pots in first.’

A young man stepped into view, picked up some pots, nodded at Holly and followed Nan through the apartment.

‘Don’t just stand there, an extra pair of hands will get it all in,’ called Nan.

Holly stacked the smaller pots and carried them in. Nan was already at work on the balcony.

‘I’ve got it all planned out. Thanks Connor.’

‘No probs, Sue.’

He looked over at Holly, ‘I’m Connor. Sue’s always talking about you.’

‘I bet she is,’ she glared at Nan, who became quite engrossed in her planting. ‘Holly,’ she stepped forward and offered her hand

‘I heard what happened. I’m sorry.’

‘Thank you,’ Holly said.

‘Connor here is a genius with all things gardening,’ Nan patted his arm. ‘Give Holly your card, Connor.’

Holly couldn’t believe it. Nan was also setting her up. ‘Nan…’ she could feel the heat spread across her cheeks. ‘I don’t think—’

Connor handed her his business card. ‘I help Sue with her garden. If you need advice or help, call me. Anytime,’ he smiled at Holly. ‘Well, I better get back.’

‘Walk him out, Holly, and I’ll get started.’

‘It looks like you already have.’ Holly gave her a pointed look before walking Connor out.

‘Thanks for bringing all the stuff in.’

‘You’re welcome,’ he scratched his stubble. ‘Listen, Sue said you were a novice.’

‘Did she now.’

It was Connor’s turn to blush. ‘I mean… the gardening. If you need help, I’d be more than happy to help you.’

‘Only teasing. I’m sorry.’ Holly studied him for a moment. He didn’t come across as a jerk. In fact, the opposite—kind. If Nan liked him, he must be okay. She was always good at judging people’s characters. ‘I’d love the help. I am a novice, but if you do, let me buy you coffee.’

‘You’ve got yourself a deal.’

Holly stepped back onto the balcony. Nan had filled a few of the pots with flowers. ‘Wow. What a transformation’.

‘Connor’s nice isn’t he,’ Nan picked up one of the potted plants, ‘Look at these flowers.’

‘Nan—’

‘They’ll help the native bees and butterflies too.’

Holly watched her Nan work. She knew her Nan had been strategic in asking Connor to help her. To get them to meet. Even though Holly felt embarrassed, and a little annoyed, her heart swelled with love. Deep down, Nan knew exactly what she needed to move forward. The balcony garden was just one small part of her plan. It was going to be hard to say goodbye to Daisy and Astrid on Wednesday. Nan was right, looking after this little balcony garden would help.

Holly let it go, who was she to argue. ‘It really is looking good.’

Nan handed her some gloves. ‘Why don’t you plant the daisies and the Astrid flowers?’

Holly smiled. ‘Nan… their beautiful.’

‘You don’t mind? I thought as they flourished, they’ll remind you that there’s always hope, even after sadness. New beginnings always keep you moving forward.’

‘They’re lovely,’ she hugged Nan. ‘Now, why don’t you tell me what I need to do to make this garden grow.’