Nightly Communion

That night I sat cross legged on my bed in my freshly washed dress. I flicked through the album of our life together. I smiled at the Elliot that smiled back at me from the photos. In some of the photos his smile was goofy, in others he wore an all knowing smirk.

It was hard to acknowledge the moments in between the Elliot that was planning a future with me and the Elliot that nightly would return to the sea. In an instant the love of my life was ripped from me and my heart imploded.

I remembered living with my grief. I would wake up in the morning and my brain would make sure to remind me he was dead. It was the first thought I had as I opened my eyes. It was at those moments that I would feel the most abandoned. I would lie staring at the ceiling, flicking through the various memories I chose to torture myself with. Every time I could have swung by his place, but chose to do something else. Each call I declined because I was too busy or tired or just not bothered. I replayed those mundane moments on the couch in deep conversation about impossible hypothetical scenarios. I thought about the family we would have, the trips we would go on, the things I wanted to show him.

I craved the history we had. I longed for the familiarity of his presence. I missed knowing that he would always be there. I believed that we would always have time. Now we do. On the beach a place exists where death doesn't have to come for any of us. A whole new world where we could always be together. How could I give that up? How was I throwing my life away if it was with him. What value did this place have if he wasn’t in it?

With one last look at myself in the mirror I silently made my way through the house. My father was slumped on the living room floor, empty bottles littered around his chair. He had been like this since my mother passed away from breast cancer five years ago.

"I know you can see it," he said while attempting to stand before tumbling back to the ground. I had hoped to leave without his drunken input. "I know you've seen Elliot's true face. The contorted skin stretched over makeshift bone. You know it's not him. I don't know what they want from us. I don't know why they want us!"

Without hesitation I breezed past and walked out the front door to the beach.

***

Twirling in his arms I had never felt more safe. The music raged on and I could see the smiling faces blur past. Pulling me in closer Elliot smelt like he always did now, a mixture of the salty ocean breeze and the smoke of a bonfire. We continued to sway to the music, bodies pressed up against each other.

"I’ve missed you" he whispered as loud as he could over the music, while keeping our conversation private. I smiled up at him and rested my head on his chest. I tried to soak up the moment. I wanted to capture the essence of it and somehow etch it in my mind.

"I know" I whispered back before leaning in for the kiss that would sustain me. Eyes locked we continued to move to the music and I felt like we were the only two people on the island. A gentle tap on my shoulder snapped both Elliot and I out of our lovers trance. A familiar face shaped by black and grey curly hair greeted me and I found myself dreading the next phase of the night.

"Don't worry," Elliot said, sensing my sadness. I sighed and pulled myself away from him.

Taking my hand Elliot led me closer to the water and continued on as I removed my shoes. I slipped out of my party dress and carelessly left it on the sand. I could see others on the beach undressing and making their way into the cool ocean. This time of year the water was inviting and it felt refreshing on my legs as I splashed in. Ahead of me Elliot waded into the water, slowed down by his trousers as they filled with water.

When the water reached my chest and the water lapped at my neck I stopped. Elliot asked if I would keep going, I said no. He gave me a knowing look and continued on alone. As he submerged himself under the water I could see a dim shimmering. I never investigated what it was, too afraid that my father would be right and this wasn't my Elliot, but some deceitful doppelganger. I stood silently and watched as some stood in the water, some on the beach. All of us left behind.

The moon shone on, but eventually gave way to the sun as dawn approached. Sitting back on the beach I didn't bother looking out to the water. I knew Elliot was already gone. I lay down and let the tears flow freely as I had done many times before. Losing Elliot over and over again was difficult and each time I was left feeling utterly alone.

Unsure of how much time had passed I pulled myself up and began the walk back home. I passed others on the beach wearing the same melancholic expression as mine. We collectively called it 'The Hangover', but it was from an emotional over indulgence rather than the result of a chemical one. Making my way to my door I hesitated before ultimately turning the handle and coming face-to-face with my disapproving father.

"Save it" I snapped preemptively, passing him and entering the kitchen. My lips and throat were dry from the salty ocean breeze and I avoided eye contact as I poured myself the tallest glass of water that I could. My father's withered face looked concerned as he sat at the kitchen table.

"I take it he was there" my father began after allowing me to finish my drink. "Was..." his voice trailed off.

"Yes, mum was there!" I slammed my glass down as I could feel my face get red hot.

"Your mother was never there" he countered trying to stay calm. I could see he was trying to nurse a different kind of hangover.

I shook my head, tired of a conversation we had had a hundred times and stormed out of the room knowing my father wouldn't follow me.

"You know it's not really him!" he pleaded after me.

Slamming the door to my bedroom I pulled at the neckline of my dress and breathed Elliot's smell in. It was all the reassurance I needed that I was doing the right thing. Dad may have abandoned mum and each night she would wait for him on the beach. I vowed that I would never lose Elliot. When I was ready, I would join him in the sea. A whole new world where we could always be together.