No Words Left Unsaid

I dashed a hand under my eyes. 

I knew it was absolutely ridiculous that I was shedding tears over inanimate objects. But I couldn’t help it. I remembered all the memories that came with them.

The Maiko doll, a gift from my oldest friend when she returned from Japan.

The gold-plated pen with intricate patterns carved on the surface. It came with a unique ballpoint that it was impossible to refill the ink. One of the many pens in my grandma’s collection, one of the few in mine.

A giant panda plush, the winning prize at a carnival from my first boyfriend as a token of our love. Our relationship didn’t last, but our friendship did.

I looked at my empty suitcase. This was for things I didn’t need but wanted. All my clothes and necessities had already been shipped to my aunt who was housing them until I arrived. I obviously couldn’t pack everything else, but choosing which ones to take was like picking out favourites.

My eyes skimmed over the panda – too big – and landed on smaller items.

Various photos lined my desk. My favourite snaps of family and friends, originally captured on phones. I adored them so much that I had printed them off to showcase them.

Except one.

I picked up the largest frame, centred on my desk and surrounded by other pocket-sized images.

I was young then. 21. The perfect age after surviving teenage insecurities. On the cusp of adulthood, no fine lines marked my face. Instead, I flaunted shades of the rainbow. My hazel eyes, appearing greener with neon lime eyeshadow, peered out from cobalt eyeliner and thick mascara. Golden bronzer glimmered across high cheekbones which were accentuated from my bubblegum pink pout.

I cringed. Now in my sophisticated, corporate lifestyle, I was the polar opposite of that wild girl. But I wouldn’t change anything.

In the photo, I radiated with happiness and excitement. Besides me was Noah – the boy, now man – I grew up with. Half of his face was obscured as he gazed at me whilst I stared straight at the camera. His arm was draped around my shoulder as the camera caught his laugh.

The corners of my lips curved upwards, tears evaporating instantly. It was a beautiful moment. We had the adolescent arrogance of believing we could face anything, and I had never felt more invincible.

I traced the outline of Noah. Taking up craft in his spare time, he had pottered this thick, dark frame. Interwoven into the black clay were rough patterns immortalising hallmarks of our friendship: ice-creams, boardgames, tennis, beaches, waterfalls…

My breath hitched as my eyes returned to the photo. I couldn’t imagine going to sleep without seeing it before the lights went off. However, it was bulky. Even if I nestled it within layers of bubble wrap or soft material, I’d be anxious that it’d get damaged on the journey.

But it was too precious to leave behind.

I snatched my phone, ignoring the many texts and missed calls with DND on, and hastily swiped to my camera.

I positioned my phone over the picture. I winced when the light reflected off the surface. I shuffled the frame closer to the window and reangled my phone. My breath hissed through my teeth. My own reflection had caught on the frame’s glass.

I picked up the frame and hugged it to my chest. There was no way I’d leave my hometown without this picture of Noah and me.

I scanned my room for something that could help – another frame, dim lighting, anything – and my eyes landed on the scanner.

My heart skipped a beat. Of course. Before the convenience of phones, there were scanners which were now mainly used for compiling multiple pages. But for a single photo, carefully aligned so that every pigment was captured? Perfect.

Grinning, I flipped it around to unhook the clips. Carefully, I extracted the backing.

I frowned. There were some loose cotton caught on the back. I swept my fingers across it, only to come across air. I gasped. They weren’t seams at all. It was a scrawled message.

With trembling fingers, I pulled out the photo so I could read the words.

PHOEBE – YOUR SMILE LIGHTS UP EVERYONE AROUND YOU, ESPECIALLY ME.
THANKS FOR SHARING SO MANY LAUGHS WITH ME, I KNOW THERE’LL BE PLENTY MORE.
LOVE ALWAYS,
NOAH XX

My heart thundered in my ears.

I’d recognise his handwriting anywhere. But those words? Nothing like his at all. He’d never used the word love or signed off with xx.

Could there be something more to our friendship?

Thoughts whirled around in my head, starting and stopping before I could make sense of them. The emotions which I had forced down the last couple of months came flooding back. I’d ignored them mainly because of relocating interstate, but also out of respect for Noah and his long-term girlfriend.

I reread Noah’s words until I could recite them behind closed eyes. What sentiment were these ones? Was I supposed to discover this message? People usually left pictures in a gifted frame. Had I not taken out the photo, I’d never have known.

I thought back to that night when the picture was taken. I strained to recall that alcohol-infused night that went on so late it was considered early morning. There was one significant fact though. It was the only time in our lives we were both single at the same time.

Though, he did nothing that suggested he considered me more than a friend. Sure, there were times of light flirty banter, but it was the sort of tease tinged with sarcasm. You couldn’t take them seriously. I supposed they could have been genuine as my comments always rang with truth: ‘you look like a surfer boy… you’re funnier than all the memes… you give the best cuddles.’

Growing up together, we had dated other people and all my romantic notions were reserved for my boyfriend. But now? Single and nearing thirty with a career change meant I thought about things I’d never dwell on before. Over the years, I continued to praise Noah, but they no longer had hints of mockery, only sincerity. I’ve told him many times that he was the perfect partner, and he smiled wistfully in return. 

I’d never jeopardise his relationship with Ygritte, especially when I was moving away. What was said almost nine years ago didn’t mean that it would still be relevant today.

But I also knew myself. I couldn’t let this go without confronting him about what it meant, even if the intent behind the message had changed. I’d draw my own conclusions, most likely to my own favour, which would inadvertently make me behave differently around him. Even if I no longer saw Noah frequently in person, we were the type of friends who regularly communicated through texts and video calls.

I unlocked my phone, then paused.

I’d caught up with him and Ygritte two days prior for a last hurrah before my move. She was one of his many girlfriends who were suspicious of me being ‘just a friend’. But after all these years, she now trusted both of us.

If only I could say the same.

If I ever needed a sign, this was it.

I pressed his number that had been on my speed dial for the last eleven years.

Each ring matched the thud of my heartbeat.

Noah picked up on the fourth ring. “Hey Pheebs, what’s up?”

I inhaled, for once unsure of what to say around my best friend.

“Phoebe?” I could imagine the furrowing of his eyebrows as he repeated my name.

“Hey, Noah,” I whispered. “I found your message for my 21st birthday.”

“Your 21st – ” He echoed my words in confusion, but the sudden halt confirmed what I’d secretly hoped.

He knew what I was referring to.

It was more than a message.

“You free to meet now?” His voice came out uncharacteristically low.

“Yes.” If not now, when? My flight was tomorrow.

“Meet me at Dove Park, I’ll be there in fifteen.”

We both lived close to Dove Park, and it allowed me just enough time to change into something more appropriate.

“Okay,” I replied, and the line cut dead.

I stared at my reflection in the vanity mirror. Puffy eyes from the earlier tears, blotched cheeks from the exhilaration… I wasn’t looking my best. Noah had seen me at my worse, so why should I care now?

I decided to change into the outfit I had laid out for tomorrow. It was the easiest and quickest attire choice given the short notice.

The hurried motions in disrobing and redressing distracted me from the real issue at present.

My life was about to change earlier than expected.

I just didn’t know how.