The Unbearable Wonder of Being Yourself

Sam awoke with a headache like a mythical curse. Fittingly, he’d also transformed into a bear.

This wasn’t unusual; Sam changed every year on the Autumn Bear Moon. But sometimes it made it difficult being a lawyer.

Sometimes clients were startled by a grizzly bear in their meetings, even when he’d vainly tried wearing a tie. Not everyone was happy with him managing their case; some clients acted like they couldn’t understand him or were outright rude and demanded someone else.

Sam’s bosses didn’t mind too much. His transformations only lasted a day or two and although paperwork was a struggle, at trial his imposing presence was a bonus.

He’d never hurt anyone, though. Even in human form, Sam was gentle and preferred ushering flies out the door than swatting them.

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Sam was grateful that the Bear Moon fell on Easter weekend this year, giving him four days away from the office. Having worked late all week, he’d gone for Friday night drinks with his colleagues, then wandered home to reheat Chinese takeaway and binge episodes of Brave the Wild.

Sam tried wiping the sleep from his eyes, but his paws were too big for such delicate movements. With an annoyed growl, he climbed from the couch where he’d fallen asleep in front of the TV as a human.

Sam now stood over two metres tall.

Scratching his back against the door frame, Sam remembered something important: he had a date to keep with the alluring Alex. They’d chatted all week, and Sam liked that she was talkative and intelligent, as well as the kindness behind her hazel eyes.

They’d arranged to meet on Saturday, but seeing himself in his full-length mirror, Sam saw a problem. He hadn’t checked his moon phases when he made the date, and he hadn’t mentioned to Alex his tendency for metamorphosis.

He couldn’t show up looking like he did now. Being a formidable grizzly meant Sam’s distressed jeans and band t-shirt wouldn’t fit and bears wearing clothes look ridiculous.

Sam didn’t want to cancel; he was looking forward to meeting Alex. Besides, “Sorry, turned into a bear” was a lame excuse that she probably heard all the time.

Sam wasn’t going to turn up with matted, knotted fur, and he had a better idea: he was friends with the owner of the local dog wash. Sam had represented her after she’d been injured at work, the resulting compensation being enough to open her own business.

An hour later, after a magnificent wash and blow-dry, and scaring an elderly Italian couple’s neurotic poodle, Sam was ready to see Alex.

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There were few places bear-Sam could go, and the irony wasn’t lost on him that his favourite bar/cafe was called The Moon. Arriving early, Sam could smell the host’s fear despite a calm composure.

“I have a booking for 3pm?”

Sam’s question sounded more like growling to the untrained ear, and the host looked annoyed.

“Please leave our bins alone!” they snapped back.

Sometimes when people didn’t understand him, rather than communicate through elaborate pantomime, Sam liked standing up on his hind legs and yawning.

In this instance, faced with 300kg of grisly predator, the host practically fainted. It was wonderful being a bear sometimes.

Sam wandered in and climbed into a booth near the back.

It wasn’t long before Alex arrived, and Sam caught A spike in pheromones as their eyes met. He had a wonderful feeling; sometimes dates weren’t pleased to meet bears.

“What are you drinking?” Alex asked.

“A jug of…” Sam hesitated, “...cloudy IPA.”

“Why the big pause?” Alex asked. Sam chuffed; he appreciated bear humour.

Their conversation sparkled like salmon in a stream. Alex didn’t understand Sam right away, but she’d spent a summer with the bears in Katmai National Park in Alaska, and so she picked things up quickly.

Alex was smart and funny, and the date felt almost effortless. Sam was wound around her little finger and he could tell Alex liked him too. Something had to give.

“I need to tell you something,” Sam started.

Alex was intrigued. “If it’s that you turn into a bear, I think I guessed. Some advice though: maybe mention that in your Tinder bio?”

Sam looked down. Sometimes he felt braver as a bear, other times it just felt like he had more feelings to hurt. Hurt feelings weren’t something he allowed himself as a lawyer.

“It’s ok,” Alex reassured him, “I’m not mad. In fact, bears are better than some people.” Sam’s ears perked up and his fur seemed to briefly shine.

“What did you want to tell me?”

“It’s about my work. Occasionally, it can be a dealbreaker.”

“Bears have jobs?” Alex teased.

“You know I’m not a bear all the time!” Sam shot back, good-naturedly. “Those are my own photos on Tinder! I really went to Machu Picchu, and I go climbing all the time!”

“Does being a bear help with climbing?” Alex asked, curious.

“Not indoor climbing at a gym. Most places don’t like bears coming in, plus artificial walls aren’t designed for big bear paws. I prefer a weekend down south in the karri forests near Pemberton.”

“You must scare the tourists!” Alex exclaimed.

“I try to go in the winter and keep to myself. As a bear, I can hear and smell people a long way away, so it’s easy to do.”

“Can you smell me?” Alex asked, suddenly unsure.

“In the city, the world is an olfactory orchestra.”

“That sounds wonderful!” Alex beamed.

“Now imagine an orchestra with every instrument playing at once,” Same replied.

“That wasn’t a no,” Alex laughed, despite herself.

Sam enjoyed humour; Alex had a cheeky streak as broad as the purple-red one dyed in her scruffy blonde hair.

“Can we get back on topic?”

Alex pretended to be serious, sitting up straight. “Right, of course, Mr Bear. Please tell me this Very Important Business you do that’s so much more urgent than another jug of that beer you like.”

“My business card says personal injury lawyer.”

The playful light went instantly from Alex’s eyes.

“An ambulance chaser.” She said, flatly.

“That’s an offensive term.”

“And I’m leaving,” Alex stood up and grabbed her leather jacket. “I’ll see you around.”

↠

Sam had meant to go straight home. Instead, after he’d paid the tab, he decided to go the long way. The night was still young, and he’d be a bear for at least another day. Besides he had difficulty working his TV remote control with bear paws.

Taking a small detour, Sam was crossing the road towards the Secure Car Park when he noticed Alex.

Alex had asked Sam earlier if he could smell her, and the answer was obviously yes – she smelt of frangipani and a honey cream shower lotion.

What Sam hadn’t realised was he’d picked up her scent when he left the bar, and that he wanted to make sure she got home safely.

Outside the car park, Alex was pacing, and seemed distressed. Sam noticed the problem: the car park’s shutters were down, so Alex’s car was locked inside. Then he noticed something else: two obviously drunk men coming round the corner towards her. They weren’t friendly.

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As a student, almost two decades earlier, Sam bumped into some guys like these one night. Literally bumping into him, they’d accused him of barging them. Sam tried explaining he’d bumped into them, and he was sorry, and thought that would be the end of it.

One of them said “Hit him, Mark” and suddenly a punch landed square on the side of his face. His ears ringing and his jaw hurting, Sam was dazed. He was unprepared for an onslaught that continued until a passer-by chased his assailants away.

Sam didn’t know his attackers and had been unable to get any kind of justice. Instead, he got a fractured jaw and PTSD. It may have been a coincidence, or it might have been connected, but Sam had pursued a passion around justice for victims ever since.

The doctors said it also awoke a previously dormant gene, that this sometimes happened, and from then he started transforming into a bear.

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Sam stopped in a shadow to judge the situation; his vision was excellent in the dark when he was a bear. He could see the men talking to Alex and could tell their body language was threatening. And he could tell that Alex wasn’t going to be intimidated.

It happened too quickly for Sam to tell what happened, but suddenly one man cried out in pain and Alex was asking the other if he wanted the same. He clearly didn’t. While the two men shouted abuse, Sam could now smell they were afraid, and they were leaving.

Sam decided to have some fun, and with a full-throated roar, he charged.

Alex was briefly startled, she’d seen bears fighting in Alaska, but when she recognised Sam, she knew he wouldn’t hurt anyone. Just the same, Sam was large, loud, and scary enough that the men soiled themselves and ran.

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“I thought this place opened later,” Alex commented to Sam. She seemed calm, as if she hadn’t single-handedly defended herself against two men who’d then wet themselves in fear at the sight of a bear.

Sam agreed, but his mind was on the argument they’d had.

“Now what?” Alex asked. Sam was unsure if she meant her car, or their date.

“I’ll wait while you get an Uber,” Sam offered. Alex could come back for her car in the morning and pay whatever fine she owed.

Alex didn’t need his defending, but Sam could tell she wanted to talk.

“I could have scaled the lamppost, climbed in, rescued my car.” Alex commented, and Sam chuffed in agreement. She looked athletic enough, and he knew she liked bouldering, but Sam wondered what kind of grip her scuffed Converse could have.

“I’ve seen the ads on bus stops: no win, no fee,” Alex said, out of nowhere. “I get lawyers turning up at my hospital, asking people to make claims.”

“I hold people accountable for their actions,” Sam said, quietly.

Sam didn’t often defend his work: if people didn’t like what he did, they didn’t need to. But he liked Alex, and this was important. He heaved a big bear sigh, and Alex seemed to visibly soften.

“Some people know a lawyer personally, as a friend or a family member. I work with many people, often refugees or new arrivals, who don’t know lawyers, and I’ve built my reputation on being caring and honest. I help people,” Sam continued.

Alex reached out and stroked his fur.

“I can see where you’re coming from. Let’s talk about it when I see you next. I do want to keep seeing you.”

“Nothing can happen between us tonight, like this,” Sam said, gesturing with his enormous bear paws.

Alex smiled; grateful Sam had brought up the bear in the room.

“I like you,” she said, “but I’m not into bears *like that*.”

Relieved, Sam stood with Alex while she waited, ignoring the looks of passers-by. When her ride finally arrived, she hugged him goodbye, giving him a large kiss between the eyes. Then, with an “I’ll text you!”, she was away.

 ↠

Running home, it was wonderful being a bear tonight. Sam loved the breeze in his fur and the smell of the blossoming gums and banksias in the air. Once inside, he stretched out on the living room floor like a bearskin rug. Before he could fall asleep, his mobile beeped with a voicemail.

“Hi Sam, I’m safely home” Alex started.

Sam worried there was a “but” coming. What followed surprised him more.

“We wouldn’t have matched at all if I didn’t like you as a human,” Alex’s message continued “but you can only date so many guys in band t-shirts before they’re all the same. Can I see you again Friday, at The Moon?”